The Simple Mind is a newsletter to help you reduce overthinking and boost self-confidence.

“You’re too this”, “you’re not enough that…”

Being harsh on ourselves is much easier than being kind.

We convince ourselves it’s the stick we sometimes need to be better (be perfect), or to prevent us from becoming lazy. It’s an inner bully we’re most of the time not even aware of.

But here’s the thing, your mind always listens, and when you say these terrible things about yourself, you enter a dilemma:
- If you don’t believe it, it means you’re wrong, and who wants to be wrong?
- If you believe it, it’s a terrible thing to believe about yourself and it’s painful.

You basically never win with negative self-talk. This week, let’s understand and get rid of this bully.

I appreciate you for reading,

Orianne

Reading time: 2 min.

Inner critic: persona in your head criticizing you
Negative self-talk: inner-critic’s favorite communication style (mockery, insult, punishing comments, etc.)

Who’s your bully?

I’ve named my inner critic Natasha. She’s sarcastic, blasé, not much can touch her. I picture her sitting in a Parisian café making non-constructive mockery and feedback, in the same image many have of the cliché arrogant, highly critical Parisian.

For some, their inner critic is their mom's voice, a teacher who used to pick on them, their child's version, or simply comes in the form of brutal thoughts popping in.

We all deal with inner-criticism, and to be fair part of this self-assessment is critical to our growth. Bullying ourselves with negative self-talk is not a necessary part though.

If you can’t say it to others, don’t say it to yourself

You would never allow me to come in and call you an idiot, fat or useless, would you? You wouldn’t insult someone because of what they did either, right?

That’s what I thought. So why allow yourself to do it?

Mental boundary #1 - Do not allow your inner critic to insult you

I know it feels like it’s just a thought, it was fitting in the moment, or you think you can handle it, but here’s the deal, insulting yourself will only lower your self-esteem. You are always listening.

Shut down the fire, don’t fuel it

Inner criticism, in its most brutal form often occurs after a disappointment or an unwanted result. This means it comes at a time where emotions are high, we feel frustrated with ourselves or the situation, and a bunch of other emotions.

Treat yourself like you would someone who just received disappointing news. Even if it’s on them you would not fuel the fire by blaming them and calling them incompetent. You’d acknowledge their feelings, guide them to draw learnings, and then invite them to move on.

Mental boundary #2 - Don’t let your inner critic surf on bad moments to go down the rabbit hole.

It’s easy to slip, and practicing mindfulness (becoming aware of your thoughts) will help you catch yourself earlier, and earlier on.

Practice non-judgemental, neutral statement

We’re tempted to reframe negative self-talk into positive statements, to ‘counterbalance’ them. But you’re inner critic goes for the jugular for a reason. It highlights your biggest fear and the things you really want to work on. In the wrong way, micro focuses on one aspect of it, but it does.

When your inner critic goes on and on criticizing your body, it’s a desperate way to ask for self-love, calling yourself an idiot or lame may mean you want to feel acknowledged, or that you need indulgence towards yourself (and likely others).

Counterbalancing it with a positive statement will only make it stronger because it keeps an energy of judgment.

Instead when you catch yourself engaging in negative self-talk, question it. Why are you saying that? How can you rephrase it without judgment? Guess what, like you would if you addressed someone else.

Mental boundary #3 - Remove yourself from judgemental attitude

And this applies to yourself and others. The more we judge ourselves, the more we are with others and vice versa.

And no, if you stop being judgemental, you won’t stop setting high standards for yourself. Your motivation will shift from bullying yourself to high standards to self-driving yourself to higher standards.

A reminder for you

You know how, when you cook you eventually stop hearing the extractor fan?

Negative self-talk is like the extractor fan, we don’t hear it, but it runs in the background constantly.

Once you start paying attention to your inner bully, you realize how loud and brutal it is. It’s not because there is more negative self-talk, it’s just that you pay more attention to it.

Accept the stage of negative self-talk you are at and start putting boundaries. Remember boundaries need to be reiterated often, even with your mind!

If you’re new here, welcome! I’m Orianne, I share weekly tools to help you reduce overthinking and boost your self-confidence.

A bit more about me: I am a mindset coach. I coach brilliant humans who perform very well but want to improve their relationship with themselves (their minds). I am a chocolate addict, live by the beach, and always read several books simultaneously (currently The 10th Insight by James Redfield, & Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab).

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