I must have been about 5.

Growing up with siblings, I rarely had time on my own. That day for some reason, I was playing alone in my room. I sat on the edge of my bed, feet hanging towards the floor to ‘read’ a book.

That’s when I felt it. Cold hands, firmly grabbing my ankles, with a wheeze coming from under the bed.

Any kid’s biggest fear coming to life: a monster’s under the bed to kidnap me.

I froze. In what felt like an eternity, but truly was a fraction of a second, I pictured myself kidnapped, living in the monster’s smelly house and never seeing my parents again. My life was over. Me, dramatic?

My sister rolled out from under the bed, laughing her ass off, proud of what was a well-played joke. She must have waited for hours, but clearly, it was worth it.

To this day, if I have a bad nightmare, I jump out of bed. No chance in the world I’ll leave my feet hanging like that.

That’s the power of the mind. 

It will register your experience, how it made you feel, and try to keep you safe from feeling it again, regardless of context. My mind registered, danger comes from under the bed (the fear associated with what happened), not that siblings enjoy dubious jokes (the ‘facts’).

Imposter syndrome is like 5 years old under pressure

In simple terms, Imposter syndrome is this voice in your head (a persona), telling you you’re not as good as you’re perceived. You’re a fraud and soon enough everyone will find out. 

It can happen in all areas of life, think new parents, friendship, couples, and of course, what interests us here, it happens to many high performers at work.

Why? The jings of it is a disconnect between your input and the perceived output. You have good results, everyone acknowledges it, but you don’t credit your skills and work for it.

You believe it was luck, or you disregard the level of achievement because it was not ‘that hard’(meaning it was effortless). Another justification could be your standards are much higher than your coworkers’ that’s why they believe you’re good, they simply ‘don’t know what good is’. 

What do 5-year-old and imposter syndrome have in common?

1. Overreacts to fear
   You don’t feel deserving of the praise, they are mistaken. You’re afraid if you stand still on the edge of the bed, the monster will grab you (they’ll find out you’re not that good).
   
   It keeps you running around trying to prove your worth so you don’t get caught (which is exhausting and overwhelming).

2. Has a strong imagination
   Depending on your fear and situation, the monster under the bed takes different shapes. There will be one event, an unexpected meeting, a weird look, and your mind goes on a field trip.
   
   ‘My client’s about to drop me’, ‘I’m getting fired’, ‘They think I’m stupid‘… the list goes on.
   
   Just like little Orianne, afraid of the monster, your imposter syndrome loses all form of rationality and creates a story in its head, usually, and thanks to anxiety, the stories are far-fetched worst-case scenarios.

3. Will say some un-nuanced, unfiltered truths
   In French, we have a saying ‘Truth comes from children’s mouth.’ (la vérité sort de la bouche des enfants).
   “Why is the lady fat?” pointing at a pregnant woman.
   “You’re f. dumb, you said something super silly in that meeting”
   And maybe you did say something silly, but just like the pregnant woman is not fat, just pregnant, you are not dumb, you simply said the wrong thing, there’s nuance here.

4. Struggles to identify emotion as passing ‘realities’
   Kids trust their emotions before the facts, they struggle to differentiate what they feel from what is happening. I feel threatened, so the monster is real.

5. Needs soothing and attention in times of crisis
   When your imposter syndrome shows up, like any persona, they want attention and need soothing. If you try ignoring it, they’ll be as vocal as they can and make it difficult for you to think straight.
   
   That’s when you start making silly decisions. You try to prove your value, instead of taking valuable actions. A simple example is a leader wanting to talk first when their value is in active listening and gathering information from the team.

How would you treat a 5-year-old afraid of a monster?

You don’t tell them their fear is irrational and move on.

You soothe them, listen to their fear, and feelings. You work with them to bring them back to neutral. Only then do you rationalize and offer a solution.

‘Let’s look under the bed, no one is there, and you know what, we’ll look every night until you feel confident, if there is ever a monster, I’ll fight it for you.’

Treat imposter syndrome in the same way. Truth is, if you do lose the client, you’ll get new ones, you have done it in the past. But you can only get to that line of thinking once you’re back to neutral. And, we so often forget to bring ourselves back to neutral.

What if you treated the board meeting in your head like a bunch of 5 yo?

Last week, I talked about the inner chats most of us go through and these personas in our heads such as perfectionism, imposter syndrome, anxiety… I invited you to picture them as a board meeting trying to keep you safe. What if all of the personas were 5-year-old versions of you? How would you respond to them?

One nudge for you

Next time your imposter syndrome or any of your persona shows up with intrusive thoughts, treat them as a 5-year-old afraid of the monster under their bed.

Bring yourself to neutral first. Then have that inner conversation to soothe yourself. It will help you dissociate, and treat the personas’ ideas for what they are: passing thoughts.

I appreciate you for reading.

See you next Friday,

Orianne

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